Limerence: When Unhealthy Romantic Obsession Feels Like Love

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1970s book Love and Limerence, used to describe an intense, involuntary emotional state where someone feels obsessively infatuated with another person. 

It’s more than just a crush. Limerence involves persistent, intrusive thoughts and fantasies about the person (often called the “limerent object”) and an overwhelming desire for those feelings to be reciprocated.

Key features of limerence include:

• Constant preoccupation with the person
• Intense emotional highs when they seem interested, and crushing lows when they don’t
• Idealization of the person, often ignoring their flaws
• Heightened sensitivity to their words, actions, and signals
• Difficulty concentrating on other areas of life

Unlike healthy love, limerence is often marked by anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional turbulence.

Limerence vs. Love: What’s the Difference?

It’s easy to confuse limerence with love, especially because both can feel intense in the early stages of a relationship. However, while love grows through connection, trust, and shared values, limerence is often fueled by fantasy, uncertainty, and emotional dependence.

Here’s how they differ:

Limerence can sometimes exist in relationships, but it often occurs when there’s ambiguity, such as in a crush, a situationship, or an unrequited love.

The Link Between Limerence and Anxiety

Limerence often goes hand in hand with anxiety. The constant mental preoccupation with the limerent object, combined with uncertainty about their feelings, can trigger cycles of rumination and emotional distress.

How limerence fuels anxiety:

• You become hypervigilant, analyzing their every word or action for signs of interest or rejection
• Your mood swings dramatically based on small interactions
• You experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like a racing heart, difficulty sleeping, or restlessness, when thinking about the person
• You may fear rejection so intensely that it affects your self-esteem and sense of worth

Rather than offering the comfort and stability of healthy love, limerence often creates a sense of emotional instability that can take a toll on your mental health.

When Limerence Becomes Harmful

Limerence isn’t inherently bad; it’s a natural human experience, and many people go through it at some point in life. However, it can become harmful when:

• It interferes with your ability to focus on work, school, or personal goals
• It keeps you stuck in unhealthy or one-sided relationships
• It fuels cycles of anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem
• It prevents you from forming deeper, more authentic connections
• It leads to obsessive behaviors, like excessive texting, checking social media, or seeking constant reassurance

If you find yourself caught in this pattern, know that it’s not a character flaw, and it can be addressed with the right support.

How to Manage Limerence and Reclaim Emotional Balance

Breaking free from limerence takes self-awareness, intentional action, and often, support from a mental health professional. Here are some strategies to help:

Acknowledge What’s Happening

Recognizing that you’re experiencing limerence, not love, can help you gain perspective. Naming the experience can reduce its power over you and help you step back from obsessive thought patterns.

Focus on Your Values and Goals

Redirect your attention to parts of your life that bring meaning and fulfillment outside of romantic validation. Investing energy in your passions, friendships, and personal growth helps reduce the hold of limerence.

Challenge Fantasy Thinking

Limerence often feeds on idealization. Practice looking at the person realistically, noting both their strengths and flaws, rather than placing them on a pedestal.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help you become aware of intrusive thoughts without getting swept up in them. Techniques like grounding exercises or deep breathing can reduce anxiety when limerence-driven rumination kicks in.

Seek Therapy

A mental health provider can help you understand the deeper emotional needs driving limerence, such as fears of abandonment, low self-worth, or attachment patterns, and support you in building healthier relationships.